This has been a really tough week because I'm living out of a (several) suitcase(s) again. Moving out was the best course of action on both sides, but for the present moment it still of course is a huge challenge. Over the festive period I'm staying in Wedding, and before that I spent a few days eating peanut butter on toast, listening to One Direction and getting lots of cuddles at Sophia's. For January I've found a room for a month with some super chill people, but after that... I'm not sure what's happening yet. My stuff is currently strewn over three different places, and I'll be spending the days leading up to Christmas shifting that into four walls. I haven't had a "regular Christmas" for a couple of years now, and I guess it's now time to fully accept that my only constant really is change.
You may recall that this isn't the first time I have had to up sticks suddenly: barely a year ago I left Canada early because of my health problems. But I knew my time there was going to be temporary anyway, whereas I plan to stay in Berlin indefinitely. I'm having a hard time knowing that while this city is undoubtedly my home, I don't have a home in the actual, enter-a-building-at-the-end-of-a-hard-day-and-feel-like-yourself-again sense of the word.
So, at the moment, I am keeping a couple of phrases in mind:
- The only way out is through. It's just a fact of our existence that crappy things happen, for whatever reason. But I do believe that at the other side of it, there is (mostly) something nice, or at least a non-offensive void waiting.
- It's just a feeling. This is what I tell myself when I find myself being eaten alive by my anxiety. When I'm distracted, it's alright, mostly; but when I get a moment to myself and therefore have no way of hiding my thoughts, it is challenging. The problem is not with the situation, but how it makes me feel. Feelings are temporary. If I change my perspective, it doesn't have to be inherently negative.