Cast your mind back to your teen years. Remember when you had to ask the teacher to let you go to the toilet because you knew that it had arrived? And if it happened to be a male teacher and he'd told you to wait until break, it was super fucking awkward because you'd rather die than explain to him why you urgently needed to go? And even if you were granted permission, you had to return to your seat, discreetly get some form of sanitary protection out of your bag, stick it up the sleeve of your ugly school jumper, then dawdle out of the classroom? Everyone in the whole world now knew you had your period.
Societal weirdness surrounding periods aside, I have been having them for 13 years now and it's always been hell. I've woken up in a pool of my own blood, I've been on and off the Pill, I've even been convinced I had TSS. I also know people who have worse stories.
And do you know what the kicker is? I don't want to have children, so it's all for nothing!
As a vegan, the plot thickens: whereas many people find themselves craving steaks, beef burgers, etc. when they've got their period, for us that's not an option.
A common misconception around veganism is that you're doing yourself out of something, that by "avoiding" so much stuff you're selling yourself short; in my case, at least, it's quite the opposite. It's all about being innovative and taking pleasure in foods and materials you hadn't noticed before, and generally finding peace with yourself and nature through that.
Maybe one day I'll settle on some sort of long-term surgical solution, but here's how I cope in the meantime.
This simple, free app has revolutionised my menstrual experience. It prides itself on being a period app that's not pink (i.e. ungendered) and doesn't have frilly euphemisms (i.e. periods and sex are nothing to be ashamed about).
As you can see from the screenshot above, you can fill in details about discharge, cramps, other symptoms like acne and mood swings, plus you can log intercourse. In return, Clue lets you know when you are most fertile and when your period is due - up to four months in advance!
Clue has really helped me make sense of my cycle. The other thing I like about it? It was invented in Berlin.
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Any vegan worth their nutritional yeast knows that Oreos are the ultimate "accidentally vegan" snack and can basically pinpoint the day when the whey powder was dropped from them (er, sometime in 2012). I don't know about you, but when I have my period I have the hunger of a lion. I am wary of eating too much sugar, but sometimes you just gotta do it - if only to marvel afterwards about just how quickly that cake disappeared.
They are sold in basically every store. Oreos are almost flawless; I only wish that they'd get rid of the palm oil and that they didn't make your teeth go black.
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When you go vegan, a lot of folks are suddenly very concerned about where you get certain nutrients from. You can get all of them from vegetables and pulses! However, if you're losing blood each month, you need to pay attention to the fact you are also losing a lot of iron. This is linked to illnesses like anaemia.
During my weekly shop when I know my period's coming, I make sure I buy broccoli and spinach in inordinate amounts. Some of my other favourite iron-rich foods include lentils, apricots, wholemeal bread and, of course, tofu.
I did once think that this was a bit of a gimmick - the boxes usually boast having some kind of hidden connection to the moon and not in a cool way - but really, the ingredients are very pleasant. Chamomile to give you nice sleepy feelings, ginger to decrease cramping pain and orange peel to soothe swollen breasts.
Hot water bottle
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Ah, my trusty old friend. Not just for cold winter nights when you're trying to save money on central heating, this can lie on your tummy as you sleep to ease cramps, or be pressed between your lower back and your chair if you need to spend entire days at a desk.
One stereotypically vegan/eco thing that I know is missing from this list is the menstrual cup. I haven't tried it; it seems a bit precarious if your flow is heavy, and I'm worried that I'd end up leaking in public quicker than a new Drake mixtape. (If I do ever try it, I'm not going to tell you all.)